This past week my daughter Keara had her first lesson on the horse we're leasing for 4-H. She rode him again today but these pictures are from that first lesson.
His name is Sir Galahad and he's an Arabian gelding. Her riding teacher found him at the local livestock auction and wisely took him home. She has made him into a solid citizen for young riders. Plus he's incredibly cute. 
As you can see from the pictures, Keara was nervous. Her hands were high and her left heel kept creeping up. She did not want to do any trotting. "What's the matter?" her teacher asked. "Galahad's an Arabian," she said, "and Odie's an Arabian." The explanation for this is an embarrassing story.
When she was 5, I popped Keara onto Odie's back (with her helmet on) while I cooled him out after a ride. He tripped. Keara got scared and pulled up her knees. Odie didn't know what this meant, so he stepped to the side nervously. Keara got more scared and cried out. Odie got more confused kept stepping sideways. Keara jumped off into my arms and just had a meltdown.
She was crying and Odie stood with his head literally right next to her shoulder while I held her. Wondering what happened, I think. She saw him and I know she knew that he didn't mean to scare her. But she would not get back on. Another girl happened to be riding in the arena at the time and offered her older, very well-trained horse for Keara to continue her pony ride. She didn't want to get on him either. She wanted to go home.
It was a matter of seconds, and she wasn't hurt, but oh what I wouldn't give to turn back the clock on this one. The fact that Keara didn't swear off horses completely that day is a minor miracle to me. That was my immediate fear--that I had ruined horses for her.
Then some really dark thoughts crept in. She could have been hurt. It was one of those "bad mommy" moments, about which I used to think, "God gives moms a freebie." When I actually became a mom I learned that God gives moms lots of freebies. But this was different. I felt so irresponsible and stupid.
Other "bad mommy" moments had been things like falling off the swing at the playground. This was a direct result of my judgment. I should have known better than to put my kid on a young horse, no matter how sweet his disposition, even if I was leading him, and even if he was tired after a workout.
In my rational mindset I know the horse took three or four steps to the side. I know Keara panicked and bailed out. I simply should have never put her on anything but a bombproof horse, since she tends to be tentative about life in general.
In the "bad mommy" mindset I saw broken bones and broken spirits. I never wanted to live my horsey life through her. I purposely never pushed her towards horses. She was going there on her own. My daughter trusted me in this and I blew it!
But I got another freebie. Keara had enough love of horses to overcome this traumatic event. Yet I am actually realizing, as I write this, just how specific those memories are for her. What I had explained to her at the time must be burned in her brain: Odie didn't mean to scare her--it was an accident because he is young and he is an Arabian.
I told her that he was young and just didn't understand what she was asking him to do. Now I remember, when Keara finally did get back on a horse, she was adamant that the horse be older. She was always checking on that information. "How old is Flash? Is that old for a horse?"
I told her on that day that Odie is an Arabian, and Arabians are more sensitive than other horses, so that is why he moved to the side when she pulled her knees up. I said he could feel her boots way up by the seat of the saddle and probably thought she was asking him to do something, so he tried stepping to the side.
Just after Keara got on Galahad, her riding teacher pushed his head out of her way in the process of doing something else--moving the mounting block, I think--and Galahad lifted his head up and took a step to the side.
Keara yelped and her arms curled upwards (and pretty much stayed that way the rest of the lesson). That was when we asked her what was wrong. "Galahad's an Arabian, and Odie's an Arabian." His stepping to the side must have been a trigger to that bad memory.
She got over her fear once by telling herself that an older horse would be safe. Now she's going to have to get over her fear again some other way. Galahad may be older, but he's still an Arabian. When he steps to the side, I bet it feels alot like Odie.
I am trying very, very hard not to let the bad mommy thoughts get into my head so I can be supportive in a positive and non-judgmental way. We have talked about it and I said I know that she's feeling scared for a reason and that's ok, but Galahad only stepped to the side to move out of her teacher's way.
Then we talked about the fact that Galahad may indeed be an Arabian, but he is not Odie, and she needs to take some time to get to know him. Her teacher said this too, and added today that Galahad has never done anything that would make her worry about a rider's safety.
This is what Keara wrote in her 4-H journal this afternoon:
"Today I did some troting on a horse I realy did not know. I also did some paterns. Somethings like figger eights and some other things like that. It was a fun day. But I also learned that no horse is the same. P.S. I realy like hanging out with horses!"
It's a hard lesson to learn and harder to understand for kids but sometimes stuff just happens and it's nobody's fault....not the rider and not the horse.....and not the mommy. Sounds to me like a communication error that has nothing to do with breed or age or training.....a simple misunderstanding.......for everyone. It's part of life. Stuff happens you can't stop it all no matter how hard you try. While it might be difficult for her to understand now, it will make her life so much easier once she learns that lesson.
ReplyDeleteSo don't blame yourself or the horse. Neither deserve it.
MiKael, you comment means so much to me, thank you. I'm trying not to tear up!! You're right. I believe Keara is learning something from this about herself. I'm going to remember to say something along the "stuff happens" line of thinking the next time she gets scared. It's how we deal with life's curveballs that matters, right? I think she is going to be ok, but I needed to write that post and get it out.
ReplyDeleteGetting it out is a good thing. That helps with the healing too. It's important that you care......some parents wouldn't. But it's equally important that you don't beat yourself up for things you have no control over either. That is an important lesson to teach your child as well.
ReplyDeleteShe can learn to deal with her fear about things happening. We all do. But I think it will be easier if she can see it for what it is....and that is just one of those odd things that happen from time to time as part of life.
You'll all be much happier and she'll be learning important skills. Being able to learn how to roll with the punches is definitely a useful skill that many never learn.
Hang in there, Mom, you're doing a great job!
I can understand how you feel. I have always been super cautious when letting my boys sit on any horse as they have wanted to get on from the time they could walk. When it became apparent they wanted more than just pony rides, I signed them up for lessons. I had one take a spill last year. And he got up and he got back on. He's a bit more cautious and will take a few rides to move past it but he never even thought of quitting. He told us, "quitters never win, so you have to get back on".
ReplyDeleteYour daughter sounds like a resilient child and she seems well on her way to having fun in the saddle. You are not a "bad mommy" a bad mommy would have let her quit and a bad mommy would not have had a helmet on the child's head for the simple pony ride. As parents we all have those moments where we wish we could turn back the clock but it's how we move forward that develops our character.
SolitareMare, thank you for your kind words. I've actually been avoiding coming back to this page. Now that I'm checking back in, I really see how hard I was being on myself. I feel so much better about the whole thing. You and MiKael should be getting some good karma out of this. Thanks again!
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